


Mail Order

by BookofOdym



Category: Blue Beetle (Comics), DCU (Comics), Justice League International (Comics)
Genre: Crack Treated Seriously, Dildos, M/M, Max is a Bit of a Dick, Not Actually Unrequited Love, Object Insertion
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-22
Updated: 2020-07-22
Packaged: 2021-03-04 18:15:27
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,985
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25450747
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BookofOdym/pseuds/BookofOdym
Summary: Ted's massive crush on Max has gone too far, he can't stop thinking about him, so he decides to order some toys to get the edge off. Max was not supposed to see the package.
Relationships: Ted Kord/Maxwell Lord
Kudos: 3





	Mail Order

If you’d told Ted three years ago that he’d find a sleazebag CEO hot, he’d have told you you were a liar, he wouldn’t even have laughed, the insinuation was less funny than... impossible. He’d spent enough time climbing the corporate ladder to know they were only after one thing. Well... three things: Money, power, and sex, and those three were more intertwined than you would think. 

The funny thing was, Max wasn’t exactly all that different, at least not on a surface level. It wouldn’t be a surprise to find out Max was selling their personal effects to make a quick buck, and he had a different beautiful woman on his arm every day. Maybe it was just because, unlike most CEOs, Max wanted to do good, and most of the character traits that he normally found repulsive were just... sexier when combined with altruism. 

Not that any of this theorizing mattered, since Max was straight as an arrow, and as far as everyone else was concerned, so was Ted. Sure, people would make jokes about him and Booster, but that was really just because they were such close friends, and people wanted to make them feel uncomfortable. Even if Max wasn’t totally straight, there was no feasible way he’d go for a 4 out of ten, with a gut, who annoyed the hell out of him, rather than a literal golden-haired Adonis, a sexy as fuck buff alien, or, well... Ted didn’t think Max was liable to go for Guy, but he didn’t really rate his own chances of winning in a beauty contest against the dude either way. 

Ted was such an idiot. As he buried his face in his hands, he imagined Booster saying, “We all knew that already.” Well, it was fine, all he had to do was make sure Max never, ever found out about his feelings, which would be easy as pie... 

As soon as he figured out how to stop getting an erection every time Max chastised him. Something about the man’s voice was... it brought out the bad thoughts. 

“Beetle,” Speak of the Devil and he would appear, well... not really. Otherwise, Ted would have had a lot of awkward situations lately, lying on his bed, cock in hand, begging for Max to come into the room and fuck him, and... no Little Ted, now was not the time to wake up, “Did you have anything to do with the- What the hell happened to your costume?!” 

It was a little singed around the edges because it turned out that Fire hadn’t found his latest idea of a prank funny, neither had Guy for that matter since he’d ripped a large hole in Ted’s costume. 

“Kilowog isn’t back yet,” he said, which wasn’t really an explanation of anything other than why he hadn’t had it fixed yet. Luckily, he was sat on a stool, facing towards the kitchen counter, so Max couldn’t see anything that was going on below the belt. 

Max nodded along as if he didn’t really care, and honestly, he was probably so used to the bullshit that happened in this building that barely anything phased him anymore. “Do you know what happened to the south wall?” He asked next. 

Ted did, for that matter. Guy had punched a hole in it because Ted had dodged his fist. Not that it seemed like a good idea to say that at this moment. “No, sir, I’ve been here all day.” He lied.

Max was narrowing his eyes at him, which couldn’t be a good sign. “Didn’t you have monitor duty this morning, and didn’t you promise to take a look at the security system today?” 

“Yes, Max?” 

“And you’ve been here _all day?_ ” 

_Ah._ “I’ll just... get right to that, you don’t have to stick around.” 

* * *

It was getting worse, he’d had to slink off to have a cold shower the second that Max left the room, mostly because his brain was imagining what would happen if he just turned around in his chair and let the older man see what was up with him. The operative word being up, of course. 

But then given that his brain had been imagining Max bending him over the counter, ripping off the lower part of his costume, and sinking his nice fat cock into Ted... his brain was totally imagining the wrong thing. What would really happen in that situation was that his boss would call him a sex-obsessed adolescent and throw him off the team, and Max probably wouldn’t be wrong about that, he had been pretty sex obsessed lately. 

He did the best job he possibly could with the security system, but given that most of the biggest threats came from inside the building... there was only so much you could do. Maybe he could put up a sign that said Major Disaster wasn’t allowed in, that should keep everyone safe from those Justice League Antarctica idiots at least. 

Except he wasn’t even sure that they could read. 

No, he was done for the day, and it was time for him to deal with a far bigger problem. He stretched as he got up, cracking his back. He’d been having far too many fantasies about Max’s cock inside him lately, and he figured he needed to find a way to satisfy that need. 

Bad Dragon was out. Sure, the first dildo site that Hal had recommended to him had been interesting (he’d figured Jordan was the best person to ask about sex-related things, knowledgeable, and not close enough to the team that it’d be brought up in the next group-wide roasting session), but he highly doubted that Max had a knot, or ridges, or a tentacle, and he kinda wanted to imagine that it was his boss fucking him. 

Hal had laughed when he told him that. “You have really weird taste, you know that, right?” He had said. 

Ted had grumbled a little at that, but not with that much anger. It was true if he was honest with himself. “Plus, the fact that six inches is considered small is...” 

“First time?” The Lantern asked. “Yeah, it’s better to start with something you know can fit. Unless... you want to explain to your boss why you got a sex toy stuck up your ass.” 

Nervously, Ted had ordered one that had about five inches of useable length but was somewhat fatter than the average dick. Hey, he had his fantasies, and he was sticking to them. 

* * *

It was only when he was sitting down to breakfast a few days later that he realized the flaw with his plan. To his credit, he hadn’t realized that the company that made the toy would advertise on the packaging, or that they’d stamp exactly what he had ordered on the box, nor, to be honest, had he been expecting that Max would be the one to answer the door. By the time the box was wordlessly dropped on the counter next to him, there was nothing he could do. 

Max didn’t say... anything, he didn’t make a bad joke, he didn’t even say any form of greeting, he just dropped the box and continued on his way. 

Ted stared at his back until he disappeared, fear bubbling in his chest. He tried to tell himself that maybe Max hadn’t read the label that was plastered there, right under his name, that maybe he had just looked at the name to see who he should drop it off to. 

For the rest of the day, Max made an effort to be wherever Ted wasn’t. If Beetle entered a room, he would make an excuse to return to his office, he pretended that he wasn’t in his office if Ted knocked on the door. When he walked into a room to see Beetle being pinned by Guy Gardner, he turned around and left. It was... hurtful, to say the least. 

It wasn’t like Ted didn’t know why. Probably the other man had been living a happy life where he never, ever imagined the Blue Beetle naked, and had been forced by Ted’s impulse purchase to think of it for the first time. Ted’s ugly, hairy body, with all the excess fat it had. Obviously, Max wouldn’t want to think about that, and he probably was thinking about it every time he saw Ted’s face. 

“I’m such an idiot,” he groaned to himself. 

“So, you finally admit it?” Scott called from the doorway. 

* * *

He tried not to look in the mirror as he lubed himself up, knowing that even glancing in that direction would just prove to him how un-sexy he looked doing this, and then that would ruin the entire activity. It was difficult though, his eyes kept straying in that direction, and in the end, he just closed them. 

“Mmm, Max,” he moaned, spearing himself on his fingers, pretending that the older man was the one fingering him, stretching him out for him. “C’mon, fuck me, fuck me already.” 

He brought the dildo to his hole, pushing it up against the rim, and he groaned as the head popped past it. “Maaaax~ You feel so fucking good.” It was true, Ted wasn’t exactly used to the stretch, but the feeling of something stretching him felt way better than he thought it would. He pushed it in a little bit further. “You’re so big.” 

“Not really,” Max’s voice said, “the real deal is a lot bigger.” 

Ted’s eyes snapped open, and he froze as he saw his boss leaning against the wall of his room. “This isn’t-” he started, scrabbling to pull the dildo out before he realized that would just give Max a look at his hole. “I’m not- I paid for this with my own money, so you can’t be mad!” 

“Hm, well, at least there’s that,” Max smirked at him, a flash of pearly white teeth, “truth be told, I did have to check the League funds, make sure they hadn’t dipped a little.” 

“So, why are you here?” He asked, a bit grumpily, he already knew that he probably looked like the least sexy thing you could imagine, and hadn’t particularly relished anyone seeing him like that. “I can’t imagine you wanted to see me like this.” 

“Well, I had rather thought you wouldn’t have started yet, Beetle. Did you rush here the second Monitor Duty ended?” 

Ted raised an eyebrow at him, he wasn’t in the mood to have his questions answered with more questions. 

“I wanted to,” Max made a face like he was suffering from the world’s worst case of constipation, “apologize, for my earlier behavior, and any... misunderstandings it may have caused.” 

“J’onn got curious and peeked at your mind, didn’t he?” Ted paused. “Did he look at mine?” 

The older man glared at him. “While... J’onn... did nudge me to apologize; he was correct. Obviously, you took my response in entirely the wrong way, mostly because of your out of control inferiority complex,” great, Ted was naked in front of his crush, had a dildo stuck up his ass, and now he was being insulted by him. Max grunted, then pinched the bridge of his nose. “He’s threatening to come over. Beetle. I wasn’t avoiding you because you’re unattractive. You idiot.” 

“Oh,” Ted said, before realizing that explanation didn’t really explain anything. “So...?” 

“I was avoiding you because every time I looked at you, I was imagining you split open on my cock, Beetle.” 

“Oh,” Beetle, murmured again, then, louder. “Oh!” 

“I’ve broken his brain, burned the brain cells to nothing, I knew it was coming, but I thought I’d get at least another month of semi-competence.” 

Ted was just going to ignore all of that, even though it sounded like insults. “Did you say the real deal was bigger?” He asked. 

“Oh yes, very much so.” 

“Prove it.”


End file.
